The Seven Languages of Comfort

“We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it.” — The 5 Love Languages . “The speaking of language is part of an activity, or of a form of life.” “I shall also call the whole, consisting of language and the activities into which it is woven, the ‘language-game.’” “[What makes mutual linguistic practice possible is] agreement not in opinions, but rather in form of life.” . “We speak only in definite speech genres” “We use them confidently and skillfully in practice, and it is quite possible for us not even to suspect their existence in theory.” “when hearing others’ speech, we guess its genre from the very first words” “from the very beginning we have a sense of the speech whole” I have observed in my limited time on earth that not all minds seem to operate like mine. From day to day, my mind stops resembling its past. On the occasions I or others have been in distress, the patterns for meeting such distress differ, and where selecting the right pattern brought comfort and profit, selecting the wrong one, the anti-language, left them feeling more estranged than before. The following are my notes on these curious patterns. #1) Solutions. You want to find solutions you feel good about. When people try to just “listen,” it feels like they’re fixing the feeling instead of the problem, and it feels futile and impatient. You want to feel equipped to solve your problem. #2) Listening. You just want someone to listen. To process your feelings this way. It feels cathartic, and helps the emotions get out. Sometimes people just start suggesting solutions, and that feels frustrating. Are they even listening? You didn’t come to them for solutions. You just want to process right now. It’s nice when the other person validates your reaction and normalises your emotions. That you’re not the only person to have felt this way. They might say “That’s a totally normal reaction, Sterling.” They might share an anecdote where they felt the same way. Listening does NOT mean “taking your side.” It does not mean accusing the other party in your story of evil or blindly agreeing with you. That would feel untruthful and uncomfortable—you just need a neutral listener. After talking through it, you'll start to feel better already. #3) Allyship. You like it when people agree with you. Acknowledge that wow, what just happened to you sucks. It’s nice when they’re being pessimistic about your situation, because then, it lets you be the counter-voice of optimism and say “It’s not that bad!” or “The other person had a point too.” You want to know the other person is on your side, your team. That kind of allyship makes you feel safer and more whole again when the world seems unfair. You want them to acknowledge how sucky what happened was, and then you can let it go. Allyship is easily confused with Listening, but the difference matters. Allyship is deeply partial; Listening is empathetic but neutral. Listening can be someone’s comfort language, while Allyship is their anti-language, in which case using Allyship can go awry. #4) Reassurance. You want optimism and reassurance that things will be okay.[1] You do NOT need other people to get upset. It also sucks when people seem unsure and uncertain about what to do with you. You need them in those moments to be confident and assertive, a voice you can believe in when they say that everything is going to be okay. #5) Distraction. Sure, you could talk about the problem more, but frankly, you love the people that can just make you laugh, make you feel light-hearted, perhaps suggest an alternative activity like a movie and pizza. You just feel better around them. Trying to keep talking about the problem feels heavy, possibly uninteresting or unproductive. You just need some laughter, some lightness, and you’ll start feeling better again. #6) Space. You just need space. You don’t particularly want to talk more about what made you upset. Nor do you want to do something else with the person trying to comfortingly distract you. You just need some time alone to do your thing, and you’ll come out feeling better. You don’t want people feeling bad in addition to you. You don’t want them sitting by your cave, waiting for you to come out. You just need some space, for them to be their own, non-upset person, and to give you some time to be with yourself. You might enjoy someone just spending time alongside you, but not particularly needing anything from you. You might come to want to do all the other languages then. #7) Challenge. You need them to call you out. To say, “Hey, you’re being a baby, stop wallowing in pity and get it done.” It might feel harsh, but it’s strangely relieving. All that burden and heaviness you were carrying, it’s gone, and you’re unstuck from the little emotional loop you were running of how terrible your life was. Being challenged isn’t invalidating, but rather someone meeting you in the context of your life and breaking you out of it.[2] There